Hello All:


I met a young online lady 4 years ago. She was a University
student and we talked on the phone and chatted weekly and often
daily. I guess she wanted to practice English and I
enjoyed talking to her.

Last November , on one of my visits, she asked me to marry her.
I went home to think it over and investigate the Visa issues and returned in December to get things going. I came to Udon to meet her family
and she walked out on me. She had been corresponding with another farang for 4 years also and he was in town. She chose him
so I had to let her go.

She called me up in Feb crying. I guess the other guy treated her badly. In my opinion, he treats her like a prostitute. He came again in April and she spent time with him. I cannot understand why she would let him treat her that way. I was very angry with him and her. But she told me she "ran away from him"

I visited her this summer and things were going well until I saw her email inbox. It was full of correspondence from the other guy. One of them sent while I was with her. She told me it was "Thai Tradition" to let a guy down easily. She also said she could not help it if guys came to see her. I packed her bags and put her in a taxi.

She is now studying for her MS at a top Univ. Some where along the line I promised to pay her tuition. I don't know if she considers me
a potential husband, a big brother or a Sugar Daddy. I don't know if it
is signifigant but she usually refers to me as "Pee Dave" She tells me it is a sign of respect. I don't understand the signifigance of this but do
ppl in courtship relationships refer to each other with the appelation PEE/NONG?




I guess the question is about long distance relationships. Am I too
hard on her? She is only 23 (I am 39) and maybe I should not blame her for playing the field. When we talked about marriage she told me she stopped looking. I am far from perfect my self but I took her seriosly

I love this young lady and was willing to marry her. Do you think we have a chance? Am I a bad guy for rescinding my offer to help with
her tuition or a fool for even considering it?

Thanks for reading and thanks for any advice.

Hi Dave,
Welcome to the forum...
Having read your post, my advise would be... Drop it like a hot potato!
at least as far as marriage is concerned.
You say this girl was a university student when you met her (online), so who paid her fees then?

She told me it was "Thai Tradition" to let a guy down easily.

First I've heard of it! although in all fairness, I'm no expert in Thai traditions with regard to being "let down".

She also said she could not help it if guys came to see her.

She could contact them and tell them not to!

she usually refers to me as "Pee Dave" She tells me it is a sign of respect. I don't understand the signifigance of this but do
ppl in courtship relationships refer to each other with the appelation PEE/NONG?

My wife has always addressed me as "Sateve", Teelak, or Samee... even before we were married, she called me samee (husband)...

Do you think we have a chance?

As friends... sure! As a married couple... doubtful.

Am I a bad guy for rescinding my offer to help with
her tuition or a fool for even considering it?

No.

Hi, I can tell you what I know and think but I'm sure there are a lot more experienced members of this forum that will hopefully say their bit too!
She's young and probably out for the best deal she can get, the up and coming young Thai girl seems to be getting less traditional to her own culture and more "westernised"...not to mention financialy motivated... If she's "on the Internet" the chances are she's playing the field and looking for who's got the best hand..(or hand-out?)...personaly I would drop her quick before she gets the chance to break your heart..let alone your bank account!
I have yet to know of a "Thai Tradition" where the woman let the guys down easily? its new to me..they normaly cut and run with what ever they can get and it is'nt just your laundary that gets taken to the cleaners!
She refers to you as "Pee Dave"..to me that means she's looks to you as a big brother that will help her out no matter what the situation/problem is...I have a "Pee sow" (sister) in BKK which is my friends GF of 4yrs who about once a month trys to tap me for money and so far she has never got a Baht from me...even though she is a perfect size 6/8, pretty as a picture, she is NOT my responsibility and if I help her once she'll be on my case for life!...and I've had her on the phone , like you, in tears, wishing she was with me and not with my friend!
Maybe I'm getting synical in my old-ish age (44?) but it is hard to tell whether you have found true love or some one that just wants your PIN number.
If you pay for her education then want to marry her you might be building a rod for your own back...the "Sin Sodt" or "Dowery" is appraised on many things... eg Virtue, what kind of family she comes from and EDUCATION!..you'll be paying twice!
At the end of the day its your choice and I'm sorry to be so negative in this response but don't be fooled by crocodile tears and false smiles...you might be better off without her...sorry.

Hi Stevo...Must be the Sth'n salt air! (I'm in Bournemouth!) Ha Ha!...3rd Strike and I think she's outa here!....Sorry Kafkaesque (Dave) ...Nick.

panick wrote:Hi, I can tell you what I know and think but I'm sure there are a lot more experienced members of this forum that will hopefully say their bit too!
She's young and probably out for the best deal she can get, the up and coming young Thai girl seems to be getting less traditional to her own culture and more "westernised"...not to mention financialy motivated... If she's "on the Internet" the chances are she's playing the field and looking for who's got the best hand..(or hand-out?)...personaly I would drop her quick before she gets the chance to break your heart..let alone your bank account!
I have yet to know of a "Thai Tradition" where the woman let the guys down easily? its new to me..they normaly cut and run with what ever they can get and it is'nt just your laundary that gets taken to the cleaners!
She refers to you as "Pee Dave"..to me that means she's looks to you as a big brother that will help her out no matter what the situation/problem is...I have a "Pee sow" (sister) in BKK which is my friends GF of 4yrs who about once a month trys to tap me for money and so far she has never got a Baht from me...even though she is a perfect size 6/8, pretty as a picture, she is NOT my responsibility and if I help her once she'll be on my case for life!...and I've had her on the phone , like you, in tears, wishing she was with me and not with my friend!
Maybe I'm getting synical in my old-ish age (44?) but it is hard to tell whether you have found true love or some one that just wants your PIN number.
If you pay for her education then want to marry her you might be building a rod for your own back...the "Sin Sodt" or "Dowery" is appraised on many things... eg Virtue, what kind of family she comes from and EDUCATION!..you'll be paying twice!
At the end of the day its your choice and I'm sorry to be so negative in this response but don't be fooled by crocodile tears and false smiles...you might be better off without her...sorry.

With info you have furnished,I would agree with panick!I personally believe that if their is deception once,the basis for a relationship is gone!I understand there are cultural differences that might allow for the deception .It is important to be assertive initially about getting the point across ,that deception in any form will end the relationship,otherwise I can only see constant problems during the future relationship because of the lack of trust!
Maybe ,if the girl can be honest about everything at this point,you could start over.You have a considerable emotional and monetary investment already,but if she allowed you to support her and lied about other guys,I would think it would be difficult for you to forget that in the future.Only you know if this is true for you!Sorry for your pain,I had my ''lesson'' that was similar in some respects,the pain passed with time and today I am grateful for the lesson and realize that if it didn't happen,I probably would not have met my wife of 6 years!Chok Dee

kafkaesque, I totally agree with Stevo, panick and Stan. Drop her like a hot potato. She's clearly playing the field.

It's not uncommon for them to want to keep as many options as possible on the line. She's using you for support.

If she really "loved" you, which few of them do, she would readily drop all and everyone else to be with you. She would not be calling you Pee, which is just a sign of respect for an older person, like an older brother.

Her Internet skills are a clear warning that she has been and will continue to play the field and "skirmish" where opportunities arise. She will keep you and many others on the line for as long as possible.

Incidentally, early on in your post you referred to her asking you to marry her in one of your visits, but you didn't say how often you had visited her or how much time you had spent with her. That said, it wouldn't change my above advice. Drop it.

I am aware, with a very traditional Thai lady, where she was reluctant to tell you anything that may hurt you. Your lady certainly does not sound traditional in that way. I have experienced one long term relationship, where after we broke up, she wouldn't let go, but that was purely because she wanted to keep me on the line as a possible back up, if anything went disastrously wrong in the future.

I have experienced more ladies that once you break up, they want nothing more to do with you. That is more the Thai way. This one just wants you there, in the background, providing financial support, or at least as a fall back position.

kafkaesque, move on.

Kafkaesque, Read your own post and see if you hear Ding-dong. If you don't then keep sending money. By the way I could use a bit myself.

banpaeng wrote:Kafkaesque, Read your own post and see if you hear Ding-dong. If you don't then keep sending money. By the way I could use a bit myself.

I think everyone is trying to get you to take a rational look at what your doing!Step outside your emotional feelings,does your actions make sense?If not ,you will have to cut her loose,or suffer the consequences!If you are hooked on her because of her youthful beauty,there are many more young beauties available in Thailand!Although,finding the ''wheat'' amongst the ''chaff'' is not an easy task!Some of us have had some luck in this regard,and I would venture to guess that all of us have ''paid our dues''!Continue to seek understanding and experienced people to help you through the ''grieving process'',move on with the lesson under your belt!It is obvious that you probably have a good heart and there are some deserving candidates available for you!
Chok Dee,don't give up on yourself,just her

well, you've had time to read and think about the gentle replies already. this reply isn't meant to be condonsending at all, but i read it before posting and it sounded a little rough, but don't know how to say different. you do sound like a person with a good heart, which could use a fortress around to avoid being broken. good luck in future.



be very thankful she said no.

Do you think we have a chance?

hell no, again, be very thankful.

Am I a bad guy for rescinding my offer to help with
her tuition or a fool for even considering it?

no, the smartest thing you've done. you will soon see her interest in you disappear as you are no longer an asset.

i am curious though, about these type of relationships. unless planning and able to live here or chickie plannning and able to relocate to your location, why would or do people expect long distance, extremely long distance and lack of contact relationships to last. i had a long distance relationship i knew would not last, but it was fun. by long distance, i'm talking philadelphia/tampa, and i worked for an airlines, so it was cheaper for me to fly 1st class than to take a taxi from philly airport to downtown. plus i could visit anytime i wanted, usually worked 4-7 days, then visited 4-7 days, for about a year, until it mutually ended. i can't imagine the expense and lack or time spent together for inter-continental relationships. i really need help understanding these, as they make no sense to me. plus all the ones that i am aware of personally in local village, are pretty much a joke, and the farang is nothing but an atm who's buttons are push and that money just keeps coming. if the had a clue what it was spent on or there activities while not here would amaze them.

Thanks Guys:

I guess I just needed a kick in the pants.

I realize she is shopping for the best deal. To be a backup plan for a guy who asks her to be
a party to threesomes, foursomes and even fivesomes is too much for me to take. I told her
it told me something about her character that she would choose a guy like that.

In her defense though, she never asked me for money. Once when I offered to help her
out she refused and warned me not the send money to Thai girls. After we talked about marriage, I did buy her a laptop and of course I always brought her presents when I visited.

In August, I rented car and we went visiting all her relatives. I guess they liked me and told her to marry me if I would take her.

I agree with the "lie to me once" philosophy. I always confronted her when she lied but I chalked it up to lying to save face and avoid confrontation.

Last time we talked I told her i can't live like this. I guess it is over.

Thanks for the advice

Wish you well in your future endeavors. As stan said there are lot of women out there. You might have to do a bit of seperating the wheat from the chaf but it will be worth your time if you do. Remember Time and Slow are the best advice I have read on this forum and those two keep comming up over and over.

Luck to you in your search.

Ok the bottom line there is no magic in the world even in the land of smiles. You have had a semester in Water Buffalo University. The tution is high emotionally and financially.

The guilt you have lets face the facts she choose a path in life it is up to her to walk it, that has nothing to do with you. Any guilt you have find the nearest tiolet and flush it.

Ask yuorself if yuo would settle fro a realtionship such as this at home, if you wouldn't do it there, then you shouldn't do it here.

This internet activity is a cottage industry here, the girls may walk into a bit naive, but they don't stay that way.

I hate to admit how many women I went through here until I found my wheat. It is just as hard to have a good reltionship here a it is anywhere.

Now none of that has anything to do with you, just how it is.

It is Ok to love someone, it is not OK to allow yourself to be in a destructive relationship. Love um or not walk away and build yourself the proper life for yourself. There are wonderul people to be with all over the world, you put yourself in a bad realtionship you have just closed the door to them all.

Don't repeat the semester, the tuition goes up for repeat courses.

Use your key!Close and lock the door!Open another door!There are many doors in life.Whatever one you go through,be assertive about the values you hold dear.Don't waiver unless those around you ,that have proven their trustworthiness,convince you that you are making a mistake!Real friends will tell you the truth!Chok Dee!

You have had a semester in Water Buffalo University

i love this place, if only i could remember half this stuff.

Been there, experienced all of it, and sadly must report, have even done it once here in Thailand. It all has made me either smarter or more cynical - and I'm not really looking for any definitive analysis on that one.

Lying is very common with girls here. They will lie first to avoid confrontation and then second, when caught, to save face. Of course, many times it is hard to catch them in a bold face lie, and one is often left with a whole lot of suspictions, and not much evidence to back things up.

My ex was an expert at lying. Hell, they could roll off her tongue faster than I drive which has been described by some as like a bat out of hell.

Drop the Uni girl like a hot potato. In all future attempts to find love in LOS remember that the primary motivating factor for a significant portion of the population is <B>security.</B> Financial security beats out emotional security by about 8 to 2. But, in many respects, the young - and often most beautiful girls aren't that much different than their counter parts in western countries - with the exception that they do actively seek out older men.

In western countries, those young beauties are always trying to land the bloke that has the most money and can give them the most in life. No exception here. The lies, deceit, deception and bull **** happens there as often as it does here. It's just here, because it never happened to us in our own countries, that we are shocked, appalled, disillusioned and confused by everything.

Cut off the money - nothing is going to come from it. Hell, with my cynicism, I would even go and try to repo the laptop computer.


Long distance relationships don't work out - virtually anyplace. They can work out if the girl is fat, ugly, and has the dispostion of a water buffalo. Anything less could be asking for trouble in the rice paddy.

Yes, Pee is a sign of respect among Thais. It is reserved for family, close friends and long time co-workers. (Hmm.. come to think of it, no one has ever called me Pee Doc. Should that be telling me something )

Come over and enjoy the sights, sounds and the ocassional "touch." If you want to start looking for a lady, concentrate on the older ones - your age or a couple, three years older than you. (Or of course, the water buffaloish types...) Be careful of the ones that tell you how much they love you after the second meeting... that they can't live without you... that they miss you terribly... that you are so handsome... etc. etc.

Or - do what I do. Live here and enjoy life without worrying about having a Thai lady with me or waiting for me at home. Going home to a nice quiet house every night does have its advantages. Now if I can just find a girl to come in and clean a couple times a week...