Scientists Discover Inverse Relationship Between Expats’ Income and Thai Fluency
Poorest expats continue to lead community in diligent Thai-language studies, flirting

BANGKOK – Researchers have published the results of the first-ever study of the Thai-speaking habits of foreign expatriates in Thailand, which confirms the long-held belief that the more Thai a farang speaks, the less likely he is to have any money.

“The data are unambiguous,” declared Hitesh Murkh, the lead scientist on the project, which was sponsored by Thammasat University and surveyed over 2,000 permanent residents of foreign nationality in Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Pattaya, Udon Thani, and Phuket. “There is a consistent and predictable inverse relationship between income and fluency that cuts across almost all age groups, education levels, and nationalities.”

According to the study’s executive summary, which was distributed to the press, the highest Thai-language fluency among expatriates was to be found among members of the lowest paying jobs in industries such as tourism, teaching, and small-scale NGO work. Whereas the least proficient Thai speakers were heavily concentrated in the high-paying professional sectors of business, finance, and regional marketing.

“It confirms our original suspicions that with most expats, Thai fluency is a both a time-consuming hobby as well as a socially compensatory skill,” explained Weng-min Huang, a sociologist who co-authored the report. “Low-paid expats have both the time to devote to Thai studies as well as the motivation. They can’t afford to eat in nice restaurants, party in upscale nightclubs, or shop for tasteful furniture and quality electronics in their spare time. Additionally, their poverty of lifestyle and material possessions makes them unable to attract mates, so they have the motivation to adapt a non-material mating skill – speaking Thai.”

Other aggravating circumstances included poor expats’ tendencies to live in low income neighborhoods, where interactions with non-English speaking retailers and neighbors was unavoidable, compared to the insulated lives of expats with money. Huang cited the example of “James” and “Will,” two of the study’s in-depth participants.

“James lives in Center Point Serviced Apartments, has an English-speaking Burmese driver, shops at Paragon, eats at Gianni and goes to Bed Supperclub on weekends,” Huang said. “His staff includes a trilingual secretary and two full-time translators. He can literally go for months without encountering a single non-English speaking person. Even his girlfriend, a light-skinned Chinese-Thai model and VJ, speaks perfect English.” According to the study, someone like James whose income is Bt350,000/month, requires a Thai vocabulary of only 50 words, including basic numbers and taxi directions.

“Compare that to Will, who teaches English at Ramkhamhaeng, lives in Bang Kapi, and makes Bt30,000 a month. He shops at Tesco, eats street noodles and spends his evenings in internet cafes, posting self-righteous opinions on Ajarn.com about how much he hates people like James.” According to Huang, “Will’s only hope of getting laid without paying for it, which he couldn’t afford anyway, is to speak lots of Thai and crack jokes with his students, and hope one of them introduces him to their older sister.”

Oddly, the exceptions to the rule came at the extremes of the data. Some of the highest paid subjects such as diplomats, consultants, and specialized UN and development workers spoke fluent Thai despite being paid huge international salaries. At the low end there was a cluster of data representing near-destitute men over the age of 65 in Chiang Mai and Udon who, despite incomes lower than the average factory worker, still didn’t speak more than 30 words of bar-Thai. “These lifers have nothing to offer and have stopped trying,” suggested Murkh. “They’re pretty much just waiting to die, preferably beneath a once-a-month rented sex-worker.”

The other anomaly in the data was women expats, who showed universally superior Thai language skills at all income levels. However, the significance of the anomaly was dismissed by the researchers as insignificant, since women made up less than 2% of the expatriate population.

Reaction to the study was generally positive. Brendan Freedman, a securities analyst at Citibank, admitted he spoke almost no Thai and had no intention of learning. “Why bother,” he said, “when everything in this town is in English? And anyway, why waste a weekend studying Thai when I can be kite-surfing in Hua Hin?” His sentiments were echoed by Ron Frakes, an editor at a lifestyle magazine, who took daily Thai lessons for a year, but quit the moment he landed a Bt100,000/month job.

However, several English teachers interviewed took issue with the suggestion that their Thai was any kind of compensatory skill. “I love Thailand, the real Thailand, not the Q-Bar fantasy world of those corporate assholes,” insisted Ted Callendar, a freelance teacher. “I eat real Thai food, and I date real Thai women, and I couldn’t be prouder. Money isn’t freedom, it’s--” he said before being cut off by a call from his monolingual Thai girlfriend on his 6-year old Nokia 3310 phone.

Source: the satirical website "Not The Nation". Everything on Not The Nation is made up, even the advertisements…

World Media Insists All of Thailand On Fire, All Thais Dead

BANGKOK - Despite the relative calm following PAD intrusions into several government offices, the world media continue to claim that the country has collapsed into anarchy and chaos. As ordinary Thais go to their daily jobs and lives, The New York Times writes that the “government has been shut down and social order revoked by an organized army of over a million protestors.” Even though only three schools near the Government House have suspended classes, CNN has placed all Thailand-related stories under a flaming banner reading “Civil War in Siam,” with story leaders describing city-wide power outages, roving mobs of homicidal anarchists, and rumors of an inevitable military intervention by “UN peacekeepers.” Even with the actual death toll at 0 and the number of severely injured at 0, FOX NEWS continues to stand by its story that Parliament was burned to death in its chambers, Communists are fighting monks in running street battles using tactical nuclear weapons, and every Thai child is being raped by a foreign pedophile who supports Barack Obama.

http://www.notthenation.com/pages/news/ ... php?id=577

biting wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose vice or folly; also: a literary work having these qualities

NTN Editorial: An Epic Choice For The Ages
The auspicious Thai nation must choose carefully between two press-hostile, anti-democratic communist-hating royalist strongmen
Once again, the people of Thailand find themselves on the brink of a great chasm on the fork of a road in an epic journey of choosing its destiny. Another election has passed without violence, a testament to the peace-loving tendencies of the great Siamese nation. The rule of law continues unabated and our great malls remain open for business. But the restoration of real democracy and the new golden age of co-operation and harmony can only happen if we stand together and make wise choices.
The election results have given victory to the People’s Power Party, a populist organization construed from the remants of Thai Rak Thai. Its leader is Samak Sundaravej, a self-described nominee of the deposed Thaksin Shinawatra and former governor of Bangkok . He has built his reputation as a man of action, a straight-talking defender of the common man who likes to cook and walk through neighborhoods. He also served as Interior Minister during the unrest of 1976, during which he openly advocated the use of force against student protesters perceived to be communist sympathizers and anti-monarchy.
Despite Samak’s claims that he will surely be prime minister, he also refers to the “invisible hand” which works to impede his journey to Government House. Though he does not use names, it is well-known that he implies that maybe it is Prem Tinsulanonda, the Privy Council head whom Samak and other PPP members have strongly suggested as the force behind the September 2006 coup. Prem is perhaps the only statesman of Samak’s stature, having served as Prime Minister and Defense Minister from 1980-1988, during which he conducted a shadowy government of shifting alliances made possible by a weak constitution. With Thaksin Shinawatra out of the picture for now, the future of the country will be led the vision of either Samak or Prem.
We must choose carefully betweem these two two press-hostile, anti-democratic communist-hating royalist strongmen.
The conscientious Thai citizen must now ask himself in the mirror harshly these questions:
-- Do I wish to see my participation in government undermined by a man who crushes dissent with bloody suppression or a man who removes it with midnight coups?
-- Do I wish to have the next government’s corruption managed by a belligerent thug married to a financial advisor for the CP Group, or an elusive gentleman who used to be on the board of the CP Group?
-- Is it better to have the free press abused by a foul-mouth pig, or completely ignored by a mute elitist?
-- Do I prefer my extrajudicial, constitution-violating actions to be the domain of the police or the army?
-- Do I like to be scared of loud noises or shiny uniforms?
As we stumble blindly towards the formation of the next government, it is vital that we unite as a country behind the pillars that represent our values best. Already we have passed a new constitution which liberates us from the troublesome participatory details of a fully-elected parliament. Already the lame-duck NLA has passed a new Security Law that assures us that the guiding hand of men with guns will tell us what to do in time of crisis. What remains is for us to choose a leader, a strongman for whom we can obediently close one eye as we drop to our knees in gentle submission to king, country, and Buddhism.
The choice matters more than ever.