For myself by coincidence i am the 23yr old starting out on life's journey as mentioned in Willyboys first post I would love to be able to pay a nice sum of sin sod to my future in laws. I have been with my girlfriend 9 months now (3 of them being with her in Thailand.) She has defended my choice to wait until she can visit my family in England before marriage. But i have seen first hand the loss of face caused caused by her parents because of this and the painful effect it has on my girlfriend

Ian, Firstly - Good Luck, I hope all goes well in your relationship.

You are fortunate that if you are in the age range you mention, you do have plenty of time to take things slowly and be sure of your relationship and the family.

If your GF's family recognise and value the relationship and the mutual affection you have for each other, it is quite possible that they can suggest an appropriate solution to the sin sod situation.

I have heard of various solutions, including the brides family lending the sin sod, them not asking for one, it being given back the next day, even providing the money themselves for the sake of show. I think it worth bearing in mind, where there's a will there's a way!

This also could be an interesting test for her family, as well as you!

A question as you said some were ignoring the Thai custom, Do you feel the future father in law would honour the custom in the west and pay for his daughters wedding. With two cultures you compromise, and if you can not do this then the marriage is in trouble.

I may be wrong but i think if Yanisa had come to England and with her fathers consent she married over here, then yes he would if not totally honour our custom then find middle ground and provide to the best of his ability (although i'm sure her mother would of decided for him!)

One lesson i've learnt is that when i first meet the GF parents I treated them to meals out, drives out to see relatives and even paid for a nice hotel room when we were in Udon. I was trying to show my respect but they seemed quite uncomfortable with all this and at times dismissive. My next visit i decided to give them the money i thought I would of spent on 'treats' (i think it was around B3000). This was graciously received and I was the one being taken out. They even put me up in their home for the duration of my holiday when i lost my atm card.

I'm in no way aiming my posts at anyone or accusing people of ignoring thai customs, it's just that if i had only paid attention to all the warnings and horror stories on the internet i never would of trusted Yanisa as i do now. So more success stories please which we can all learn from and i need something to put a smile on my face, sitting here at my office desk in gloomy old england

honestly young man, you have no reason to be gloomly unless it is lovelorn. Sounds like you are thinking and trying to put all the peices together. That is so much more than most will do. Just remember the Golden Rule and if you do you will be treated like aking by all.

One big thing is a lot of folks try to buy their way into the family and relationships here. I hope it works for them. Been working on this relationship for 35 years and have not tried to buy my way into the family at all. So far all is well in fact family members have come to Thailand and they have been treated as family and put up in housed by family. We all have respect for each other with the key word RESPECT. From the sound of it you are doing the respect thing and paid attention to the buying warning signs.

Don't know if this is happy like you wanted but for 35 years I have been happy.

Luck and don't let the distance put pressure on your decisions now or in the future.

Chok Dee and Sanuck

For what it's worth I was married for 20 years. Within the first year my wife got pregnant and we had a son. Two years later, she got pregnant again and we had a daughter. Fantastic.
She stayed at home and looked after the kids whilst I went to work to pay the bills.
I started my own business, earned a lot of money and gave it to her every month. All in all, I calculated that I'd given her about ฃ600,000. Along with the cash I bought her a new car every three years, a bloody big house and everything the kids could possibly need.
20 years later, the business started to suffer. The downturn in the communications market after 9/11 caused real problems. Luckily I sold it before it crashed and made a handsome profit.
There we were sat in our nice house, kids grown up, a nice nest egg in the bank and a brand new car in the drive.
She met another man. Crash and burn! My daughter wasn't quite 18. My wife went hell for leather before she was! Got herself a right ****** of a solicitor.
She got the house, the car, half of the nest egg and even half of my pension!
I cancelled the pension, took my share of the dosh and moved to Thailand!
I go home for two weeks every year to see my children.
The only good news is that she's spent the nest egg and had to take out a loan on the house. Her new man is a lazy good for nothing freeloader.
With the house, car, earnings and everything all added up she cost me about 1.2 Million over a period just under over 18 years.
Reckon I could have paid quite a few Sin Sods!

As an aside, my GF's neighbour just received a Sin Sod for his 18 year old virgin daughter (no jokes her please...heard them all before) from a youg Thai man who's family are doing quite well. 150,000 baht.
I offered my GF's Mum 20 for my GF. She laughed and said her daughter was worth more than 20 thousand. I asked her who'd mentioned thousand?

Hey Ho!

Harry,don't stop there!What was mums reply?

Oh, she did one of those Thai things....you know, looked at me as though I was lower than the dog's butt!!

She's okay. We enjoy a pretty good relationship. I'm not too sure, but the other day, when she was flicking through the TV channels, I'm sure she said,

"Bloody hell, it's either the king or fooball!"

I pushed her a bit to get the truth but she just laughed and wouldn't say anymore.

Good relationship....funny woman!