The Slower Learner
By Dennis Walker © Udonmap.com
Note: This story is entirely fictitious. Therefore any similarity to any person, place or incident known to you, is entirely in your mind.

The ear shattering, mind numbing cacophony of noise reverberating through the very foundations of the local poseurs bar, was at its zenith. Our hero, Cuthbert by name, bravely strutted across the front patio, cleverly avoiding two muscle bound doorman; three prancing waiters of indeterminate gender, three girls busily shouting into their mobile ‘phones; two toddlers selling flowers, and an elderly beggar, reeking of mentholated spirits.

Cuthbert’s entrance did not appear to attract the attention of the heaving mess, (oops! should that be mass?), of humanity milling around inside. This was surprising, because his appearance was certainly worthy of a number of possible reactions.

His age was around early fifties. Five feet eight inches in height in his socks, our hero stood an impressive five feet eleven inches in his custom made high heeled cowboy boots. His XL size denims were filled to capacity, and added a whole new dimension to the meaning of ‘stretch denims’, as they struggled upwards over short stocky legs, generous thighs and impressive rear end. The denims only just failed to fully encompass an ample paunch, the upper reaches of which rested gently on his belt top, thankful to have escaped the strangulating effect being suffered lower down by his more sensitive body parts. The short sleeved shirt, adorning his upper torso, would have put the most brilliant of rainbows to shame. It also was being called upon to perform feats of containment far and away beyond anything envisaged by the manufacturer. It was clearly only a matter of time, or movement, before the seams gave up the unequal struggle, and burst apart.

Faithful to his stereotype, his hair, sparse in quantity, had been waved, tinted and carefully combed in an optimistic attempt to cover an ever spreading bald patch; his shirt was open almost down to where his waist should have been, and then there was the inevitable jewellery. An enormously thick gold chain with a large medallion attached, which latter rested comfortably on his paunch. On each hand appeared large chunky gold signet rings; on one wrist a heavy gold bracelet and on the other an equally heavy gold watch, together obviating the necessity for him to purchase a pair of dumbbells for his daily workout! Although totally lacking in taste, the jewellery certainly was not lacking in monetary value; Cuthbert’s personal presentation, could best be described by an impartial observer as, ‘very old and worn mutton, dressed up as very fresh and tender lamb, waiting to be led to the slaughter’.

In the mind of our unlikely hero however, he represented the very epitome of style and grace. The ultimate prize and object of desire, of every Thai girl present. As he slurped at his drink and slowly recovered from the exertion of climbing up onto the, for him, high bar stool, he became aware of the less than subtle interest of a female he perceived as young, elegantly dressed, stunning looking , and quite outstanding even by the standards commonly set by the ladies known to frequent this establishment.

There she sat with her long legs modestly crossed, obviously to ensure that her miniscule mini skirt totally concealed her waistline, and with her feet encased in tasteful gold and blue flip flops, which blended in nicely with her hair streaks and her nail varnish. Our hero watched in open admiration as she stylishly removed the cigarette from her sexy glossy red lips; threw back the contents of her whisky glass with a flourish; took a quick swig from her bottle of beer; slipped a fresh chewing gum into her mouth, and then once again looked towards him, a rapturous and inviting smile on her face as she slowly chewed her gum.

It was obvious to Cuthbert there was something very special about him that this angel incarnate had perceived and was finding irresistible. Indeed she was so preoccupied with him, she had not realized that, as she leaned towards him, her v necked blouse had accidentally fallen open embarrassingly revealing two visions of loveliness, the sight of which caused an involuntary stirring in our hero’s loins, and which was placing further strain on his already overworked jeans.

Responding with alacrity to her kind invitation to join her and her friends at their table, our hero clambered down from his stool, waddled sexily to the table and sat down on the chair provided by an extremely attendant waiter, who had seemingly miraculously anticipated his arrival. Almost as if he had seen it all happen before?

Ordering a beer for himself, our hero indicated he also wished to but Noy a drink. Swiftly clearing the debris of empty glasses, food plates and butt filled ashtrays from the table the waiter departed. In no time at all he returned with five bottles of beer, a fresh bottle of whisky, a container of ice and clean whisky glasses. Obviously the other girls had taken the opportunity to place an order!

For the rest of the evening there was much laughter and high spirits, coupled with a great deal of drinking. True our hero understood very little of what the girls were talking and laughing about, but he was content and happy since it was clear to him from the fact they constantly looked and pointed at him, they were all very pleased that he had joined them, and that his contribution to their happiness was important to them!

At evening’s end Cuthbert was shocked to be presented with a bill incorporating all the food and drinks consumed by all the girls throughout the whole evening. He was also shocked at the total of the bill and less than pleased when, Noy airily waved the waiter away telling him to keep the Bt.300+ change.

Why did our hero accept the situation? Well Noy had already agreed, after a great deal of persuasion, to go back with him to his hotel for the night. This, despite her expressed concern about her sick mother. He didn’t want to risk Noy changing her mind, by his appearing to be a ‘cheap Charlie’.

So impressed was our hero with the obvious warmth and sincerity demonstrated towards him by Noy, he invited her to go with him to Phuket. After giving Noy five thousand baht to give to her sick mother prior to leaving, off went the couple for a holiday in Phuket Each of them was equally happy that the previous evening had proved so successful although possibly their respective views of the form of that success varied!

Readers will be absolutely astonished to learn that the couple did not live happily ever after. You will be further astounded to read that, upon waking up the following morning in Phuket, our hero discovered that the girl of his dreams was gone, together with his gold bracelet valued at Bt.60,000, - which he had intelligently (and most generously) left on the bedside cabinet.

THE SEQUEL As Dang inserted the key into her brand new motor cycle, two policemen approached her. It seems that a farang had identified her out as the girl who he had reported had stolen a gold bracelet from him. Dang pointed out that, as the junior policeman of the two well knew, her name was not Noy and she knew nothing about the allegation. She was further able to offer to him what she was sure he would accept as conclusive proof of her integrity. Drawing Bt.5,000 from her bag she handed it to him. Dang explained that, as she was crossing the street she saw an envelope which she picked up and was surprised to find the money inside. She had been about to go to the police station to hand in the money. Perhaps the senior policeman would kindly hand the money in on her behalf, to save them all a lot of unnecessary paper work? He very graciously agreed to accept full responsibility for dealing with the money. He would also explain to the farang this was clearly a case of mistaken identity. After the junior of the two policemen had promised Dang he would be home early, they parted company. No problem!

OR WAS IT?…………… the embarrassingly dressed, fat, sad old man, wearing an impressive array of expensive gold jewelery sighed happily as at the beauty next to him, lovingly caressed his ample thigh. “This one really is special”, he assured himself!

"Cuthbert’s personal presentation, could best be described by an impartial observer as, ‘very old and worn mutton, dressed up as very fresh and tender lamb, waiting to be led to the slaughter’."

I love this line. Great writing,,,,, Does this qualify the "hero", Cuthbert, for a full 4-year degree at WBU?

Only enrolled,a degree suggests he had some tools to avoid being taken!

Expect this story to be soon cut and pasted, and presented as an original discovery by you-know-who

The article should be published in every airline magazine flying to asia and placed in the seatbacks of their aircraft along with the emergency info for the "discerning" traveler.

LuangLee wrote:The article should be published in every airline magazine flying to asia and placed in the seatbacks of their aircraft along with the emergency info for the "discerning" traveler.

I doubt if it would receive the TAT seal of approval!